You have waited for someone in the parking lot after the game, or have hurried to the car to avoid that guy you just mouthed off to
You have awkwardly sat two rows behind a parent at a concert who you had a heated altercation with at a game that weekend
You missed filming your kid's big goal because you were jawing at the ref or other team's parents
You have requested a meeting with a coach to discuss:
a) your kid's future with the team,
b) their amount of playtime,
c) their position on the depth chart,
d) how the other players can support your star better
5. You frequently imagine a joystick in your hand trying feverishly to control the game
6. You checked the safety of:
A. using a shock collar on your kid (just on the ankle) to get their attention
B. Or in-helmet speakers, or walkie-talkies, or texting the coach
7. You have used the team's code words when commenting on the game ---such as
"Maryland" "Purple Jeremy with Ice"
"Hobart on Cody in 3", "Army/Ajax/Alabama"
or just "Middie Back!"
8. The coach calling "Yellow" makes you twitch, or drink a shot if you are
watching from home
9. Your kid looks over at you after a bad play, or avoids looking at you
"because they know"
10. You yell advice to your kid while they are playing, and other parents shake their heads
(even if you don't see it)
11. You don't need to look up the rules for: ward, slash, offsides, shooting lanes,
illegal procedures. 12. You certainly don't believe retaliation should be penalized
13. Your favorite Movie Quote "They pull a short stick, you pull a long pole. They put one of
your players in the trainer's tent, you put one of their in the morgue." The Uncrustables
14. You draw up multi-page charts to figure out the tie-breakers before the tournament
is announced
15. You ask for birth certificates or birth years when the tall kids come to play
16. You've questioned whether the referee:
A. Has relatives in the game
B. Has been paid off by the coach
C. Is being paid too much (especially the volunteers)
D. Needs new glasses, eye surgery, binoculars
17. You have called a player names with no cool irony ("dirty" meaning dirty,
"nasty" meaning nasty)
18. Every night is film night
19. You refuse to clap when THAT kid gets hurt
20. Your sideline celebration is louder than your kid's when they score, save or check
21. That means you, man doing soccer slides and pretending to tear his shirt
open like Superman
22. You know which refs are at the game by the cars in the parking lot
23. BOTC called, and they want you to stop posting, just stop
24. You use shooter strings to floss the 10 teeth you have left from grinding them all the time
25. The family intervention has happened, stating:
"(Honey/Dad/Mom), we think you have a problem" and we would like you to start a blog
